“I’d shake your hand but I can’t move” were the first words spoken in the 2016 MINI 5 Door Cooper S as I picked it up at the Waldorf Astoria on the Palm, earlier this month. In the MINI’s defense, (and to its credit) we were squeezing five full-grown adults into the car, therefore maxing its passenger capacity.
Before we get into it, as a disclaimer, you should all know that I have a crazy bias towards British sports cars. However this is technically a German car, even though it’s got Union Jacks adorning the inside.
That said – the MINI 5 Door Cooper S is not much different than the 3 door, save for the extra doors (and therefore more room in the back) and larger boot space (278 liters as opposed to the regular’s’ 160 liters). Its wheelbase is also longer, accounting for the extra doors, but that actually helped a bit, as the car itself felt more planted than the regular S.
On the outside, even with all its flares, the car is unmistakably a MINI Cooper, but on steroids. Aggressive styling with a nice little hood scoop, large (and low) air dams and inlets to allow air in to cool the brakes and engine, twin central exhausts (which are an absolute hoot) and a rear spoiler are clear markers that this is no ordinary little car. And by any measure, it isn’t.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering (I’m sure you weren’t) I decided to call him Chester while I had him. I felt it was an appropriate name.
Before I even get to Chester’s drive experience and the engine performance, I want to talk about the interior. The almost-immediate assumption is that the inside of this car is small – and you wouldn’t be wrong. However, I’m 6’0 and weigh about 95kgs (of course, all muscle, BMI reports and visuals to the contrary be damned) so I’m not small either. Yet, I was quite comfortable with enough room for my legs and broad, manly shoulders. However, I did find there was irritatingly little room for my right elbow with the armrest down, and with it up, I’d constantly bump my elbow into it – which is why I’m glad that the MINI came in automatic so gears were changed by the flappy-paddle gearbox.
As you’d imagine from a British sports car (made by Germans), everything inside reeks of class. The stitched leather seats are beautiful and comfortable for long hauls while the dashboard and controls have all the elegant bells and whistles you’d expect. The steering wheel itself is meaty and feels very responsive, but I’ll get to that when we talk about the drive. Beyond the classic analog displays, key information like speed, cruise control settings, and rev counter are also viewable on the reflective display just beyond the steering wheel, making it easy to check your info without taking your eyes fully off the road. The MINI Center Instrument also acts as the key dashboard to interact with every aspect of the car – from the audio system and phone sync to the type of drive mode you’re planning on taking.
The entertainment system is seriously on point – Harman/Kardon speakers sit snugly around every corner of the car and boy do they deliver. Keeping in mind the kind of driving music I play (stuff that definitely does not match the classic British ethos of the MINI), I was very pleased with the acoustics and sound quality. The phone sync was easy but not the best I’ve ever used. I can say that out of the many calls I made and received in the car, I had trouble hearing some of them. The issue solved itself when I pumped up the volume, but that would yield disastrous results once the call was over and Marilyn Manson came screaming back on the rugged Harman/Kardon speakers.
One thing I didn’t like while I was on the inside was the outside acoustics. You can hear everything – which isn’t helpful when it’s a windy day or when you’re blasting past a heavy truck or large SUV which are a-plenty in our lovely city.
Let’s talk about the fun bits now – the engine of the regular MINI Cooper S belts out about 184bhp. The MINI 5 Door Cooper S’ 2.0l 4-cylinder MINI Twin Power Turbo engine makes up for the extra weight and puts out 192bhp, which while not being a large increase, actually decreases the 0-100km/h time from 7.0s (3 Door) to 6.8s (5 Door). However, this is obviously accounting for the fact that you didn’t eat all day, have nothing in the car and weigh about as much as a phone book. If you are not a phone book and are a regular bloke, don’t be discouraged – this car is still an absolute hoot to drive.
When you put it in sports mode, the MINI Center Instrument actually tells you that you’re in ‘Maximum Go-Kart Performance’ and holy hell it’s not lying. Wide track, long wheelbase, short overhangs, punchy, torque-y engine and low center of gravity means that when you put your foot down, Chester runs off like a dog after a bone. Or a dog after a car. Or a really fast dog. With typical MINI ease, Chester was an absolute thrill to throw around corners and he begs you to drive it aggressively – because he knows he can handle it.
No, it’s not the fastest car in the world, but who cares? It helps that you’re so low to the ground that 100km/h feels like 150km/h and it’s hard for you to be upset with the huge grin that embeds itself on your face as you’re chucking this car into corners and speeding down straights. The twin central exhausts are the cherries on top of this spunky cake as it pops and crackles with every shift and offers, literally, audio automotive bliss. The eagerness of the MINI is embodied by its exhaust. It’s not loud, but it’s just right to get your heart racing and egg you on to go faster.
The car comes with a resting-stop feature meant to consume petrol during drives, where the engine will switch off once you come to a stop, and restart once you take your foot off the brake. Convenient for regular driving, but a bit annoying in traffic, when your engine constantly turns off. And because you’re running the battery then, you’re in constant fear that you might drain it. Good news is, it can easily be switched off from the clunky knobs section!
Now, time to be a bit critical. The car is fantastic and I absolutely loved driving it around for the week that I had it. But even though it was the five-door version, I saw little use for the rear seats. Sure, I could squeeze someone in, but that person definitely won’t fit comfortable behind me, that is, if they have legs below the knee. Fitting the slightly above-average height me in the driver’s seat requires pushing the seat almost all the way back, leaving nearly no space for a passenger behind. So at best, you can comfortably carry about three or four people (including yourself), but it’s still no family-friendly car. I mean, sure, kids will fit, but if you’re buying a family car, the 5-Door MINI Cooper S is not the name that pops up in your mind. And with a price tag of AED 175,000 (!!!) for the full spec and AED 165,000 for the regular car, it’s deep in competition with a LOT of vehicles that would better suit the “oh I definitely need rear seats” demographic.
And that’s kinda the car’s biggest drawback – it’s pretty pricey. There are obviously cheaper options available and, yes, the drive experiences in those cars aren’t the same as the MINI’s but how much of that makes a difference to the MINI’s target audience? Rich enthusiasts aside, the average Joe/Jane will probably think a few times before committing to a MINI – and it is a commitment. It’s a great car, but it’s not a traditional people carrier and IKEA flat packs won’t fit in the back either.
The 5 Door MINI Cooper S is a great car that punches above its weight in opulence, power, looks and performance – as long as you can afford the price tag.
